Spencer

Photo by Tomas Williams on Pexels.com

You popped in my head last week. Hadn’t seen my Whingemate™  on TL for a while, I’ll drop him a tweet, see if he’s okay. We did like a good chat/moan about our ailments and pain, about the guilt we felt burdening our loved ones (and everyone else). We agreed we’d always have an ear for each other’s chronic pain offloading, give the others a break. You always had a kind word and patient ear for everyone. One of the good ones. Always a gentleman.

I say ‘I forgot’ many many times a day due to brain injury. But sometimes I say it and the ramifications make me feel sick to my stomach. I forgot Spencer. I forgot to tweet you, to check in on you. I’m so so sorry I forgot.

You were one of the first people I followed 10 years ago. You know how you can feel warmth of a person through a screen without even realising it? You’re drawn to them. I think I came across you via Kelly (@BigFashionista) and your blogs. All those years ago. They were good blogs too.

Recently you asked if I’d write a blog about my darkest moments. That are now hopefully behind me. And I said no, Sophie reads them, she’s in middle of GSCEs, its not the right time. Oh how I wished I’d written it now, for you if nobody else. Would it have made any difference if you’d read it? To know the living hell/torture in your head wouldn’t always be like this – it can and will change & I’m proof? Probably not. But I wish I’d known exactly how bad your inner turmoil was. Brave face wasn’t it. Brave face & help/enquire after others instead.

My heart goes out to Katy and your children. Cannot begin to imagine their pain and devastation.

I’ll miss you Whingemate. Gone but not forgotten. Rest in Peace Spencer  x

 

Advertisement

No, I’m not going to have time to bash a good, long one out…

 

A blog. Bash a good long blog out ya dirty gits.

So far today I’ve made a cake, washed some dishes and did a 10 min dog walk (taking it easy with him after his sit down in the woods yesterday). And doing those few, simple tasks my right arm is already twice the size of left (#CRPS). Its hard to stay upbeat when pained. But I have 20 mins before teen gets home from school then drive to the mall to meet our wonderful aunt, here on a one week stop from Ireland. Reasons to be cheerful! Smiling again already.

Lets see how much I can get written down.

How are we getting on with the staying happy, positive mental attitude? Its not as easy as it sounds, is it. Especially if you’ve got really crap problems going on in the background. I wake up in the morning, remember the crap and then have to remind myself to sit on it, put it to the back of your mind, stay positive, happy thoughts. Sometimes I don’t remember to remind myself until halfway through the day. But I’ll get there, practice makes perfect, right?!

The thing I am getting good at is not letting one single thing ruin the rest of the day. When I opened the fridge and a dish of tuna came flying out at me and smashed all over the floor I didn’t think “oh, its going to be one of those days is it” like I usually would. I cleared it up whilst thinking this is minor, its a nothing, forget about it, move on.

I’ve had a few days of proper anxiety in the last week. Suffered anxiety all my life so its not unexpected. You know the ones, where your stomach is in knots & you feel shaky, impending doom feeling. During one such episode I picked up phone & saw a tweet from someone saying ‘Did you know that as you get older your lady bits go bald’ and oh my god how’s that for distraction?! Hilarious. I did not know this. Wonder what else don’t I know?!

But the days I am managing to convince myself that I’m happy, that everything is fine, you know what? They are.

I have to go now. Ran out of time. Going for quantity not quality today so I’ll blog again later. Be happy! x

 

 

From one-handed to no-handed meals…. #CRPS #Arthritis #Fibromyalgia #BIS

 

This is not, and I can’t stress this enough,  a sympathy garnering blog. I’m very much a say it as it is person who usually tries to make everything funny if I can. But this is what’s been happening the last few weeks. And I’m trying (and failing) really hard here to find the funny.

I want to put so much into this blog but struggling with the order of things. And the fact I can barely type. Where to start….

Few weeks ago now on a Wednesday morning I’d had a really bad headache for a week. Always have a low level one but sometimes they really escalate. The ones where you feel faint/sick and don’t want to move. Teen came into my bedroom and started to cry. “What’s wrong?!”
“You. This. I don’t know how you do it. How do you keep on living in constant pain?”
These might not have been her correct words, but the gist of it. “Oh love!”, I said, “Its not like I have a choice and its not always like this! Sometimes I have days when I’m fine!”.  Which is sort of true if I move the bare minimum – one load of washing, one washing dishes, one dog walk (which will hurt but worth it) and that’s about it. Hopefully I tried to cheer her up (can’t remember) and got on with dinner.  Took photos so I could blog about another quick meal I’d rustled up using my left hand only (CRPS in the right). I’ll blog it tomorrow, I thought. Will write about coating the halloumi in smoked paprika & frying it for a couple of minutes on each side, lovely.

And then the next day, out of nowhere, started to get pain in my neck, across my left shoulder/back and all down my left arm to my fingertips. Gradually built until it was agonising. Finger and thumb went numb, skin on my hand stretched, could not find a single comfortable position. Popped painkillers like Smarties. And there I was, bed bound, every movement agony.  Nearly called an ambulance twice. After 10 days (last Monday) I got to see a doctor. Tennis elbow, he said. WHAT?! Its not my slipped neck disks? Combination, he said. Then proceeded to tell me all the likely people who would suffer with this –  tennis players, painters & decorators – yeah yeah, I  interrupted, but how long will it last? About 3 months. 3 MONTHS. Not what NHS website says:

Most cases of tennis elbow last between six months and two years. 

So that explains why one week after doc appointment I’m still struggling to move. Except the pain is definitely emanating from my neck and across shoulder. I need another doc appointment.

It’s important that you rest your injured arm and stop doing the activity that’s causing the problem.

Shit. I have limited ability & severe pain in right hand and now no using left? I’ve only just found that on their website and I have been using it the past few days. (Using it now to type!) Teen is in middle of mock exams, the house looks like a pit and she’s rushed off her feet walking dog, shopping, cooking, revising and on and on. So I’ve tried putting a few dishes away.

A few weeks back I was looking forward a little bit (instead of back to my accident that usually takes up most of my thinking space 24/7).  Was getting a bit excited. The weekend home delivery bakery had been going for 3 weeks. One handed. With a handmixer for cakes and my left hand for the kneading. Not loads of orders but some repeat orders, word spreading (thanks friends) more people liking my page and I really believe(d) I could make it work. Everyone who did taste/buy wanted more. Yes it hurt like hell (especially the day after) but what can I do? My talents and abilities are limited.  And for the past 2 weeks I’ve had to put a CLOSED sign on my FB page. And every day I get notifications of more views. Which makes me anxious because I don’t know how long this pain is going on. KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS. Its reminding me of dog walking business all over again….

[A while after my accident when I lost job (& home) I tried to start a dog walking business. This is when my brain injury came into play. Its so much worse when I’m stressed. Not just about losing words, would lose whole paragraphs/thoughts, empty-headed. So I’d turn up for the wrong dogs at the wrong houses on the wrong days. WRITE IT DOWN! everyone cried. Not realising its really not that simple.  For a start the info wouldn’t even stay in head long enough to write it. I don’t process it. The other was I give myself false information. I would *think* oh I have to do this today.  And off I’d go. I still do it occasionally.  But worse than bodged appointments was the pain and fatigue. Brain injury and fibromyalgia. And I was gutted. I bloody love dogs.]

Back to the baking: At the same time as the bakery idea, I became an Amazon Affiliate and started to blog my one-handed recipes, linking products, hoping for some purchasers buying through my links. I get about 0.001p commission. I made 1.67 in a month you know!  But to make any decent money from a blog you need readers (I know, right?!) and your own website so you can host adverts.  I’m disabled, I don’t have money for my own website.  The plan was to put any money from the baking towards the blog.

In the meantime I’ll try & get more followers on Twitter.  Need thousands. Think I’ve managed 20 in about 4 weeks. Trouble is, I’m not like majority of bloggers I see tweeting. They tweet sunshine, positivity and, well, non-judgemental, which I’ll struggle with(!). They promote each other and like each other’s blogs and leave comments everywhere boosting their profiles, giving each other constant shout outs to obtain new followers. Now I was all huffy about this when I saw it happening, its cheating! I want my blog to be commented on for its merits, because you like my writing, you’re reading it by choice. Not by sycophants playing the game. But you know what, they’re doing it right. I need to learn to play the game. Not least because my rent is due today (its £300 a month more than my housing benefit) and teen has been using my debit card to pay for shopping which I didn’t keep track of it. See above.

So if you see me tweeting in a fluffy capacity you’ll know why.  In the words of Tosca “I need a miracle”.

Its sink or swim time. Again.

 

Chicken Remains: Day 2

Day 1 was an easy one – cold chicken, cooked cold pasta, cucumber, sweetcorn & a large dollop of mayonnaise mixed in. Anyway my lovelies here’s what we’re doing with the Sunday roast’s leftovers on day 2: 10 min chicken stir fry.

I’m not a professional chef (ha!) but I can follow a recipe. I’m a cook from scratch advocate & only having use of my left hand hasn’t dampened my cooking/baking spirit, its just made it a bit more challenging. I’m sharing my finds with you – easy one-handed meals/ideas/gadgets. (Although Wend, I’m not sure this will be a suitable one to cook with a child in your other arm!).

Ingredients 

Leftover chicken or any leftover meat
1 Tablespoon of olive oil
1 Teaspoon of chopped frozen garlic
Sliced frozen peppers
Beanspouts (optional but I like them for the crunch)
Sugar snap peas (or any green veg you fancy really)
1 tablespoon Soy Sauce
100ml chicken stock
1 pack of straight to wok noodles

Heat the chicken through for a few minutes, then the garlic for another minute, then the veg & soy sauce. Throw it around the wok for 2/3 minutes and then add the stock & noodles. That’s it. No need to buy/open a sauce. Enjoy!

AND THEN I’m looking at this photo and I ONLY BLUMMIN USED WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE INSTEAD OF SOY SAUCE! I’m so good at this. Ah well, still tasted alright. Did I mention I’m a brain injury survivor?! Yes, yes I am going to use that as my excuse.!…:)

 

And if you need a good wok may I recommend this one currently half price:

//ws-eu.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=GB&source=ss&ref=as_ss_li_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=jsterling-21&language=en_GB&marketplace=amazon&region=GB&placement=B00OA8U2J2&asins=B00OA8U2J2&linkId=91889dcd10f85c0374d1286e2de7053c&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true

Is today the start of the new week or tomorrow? Say tomorrow.

Then I can put last week out of my head & move forward with a bit more optimism and positivity (is this a word? My brain says it is, this spellcheck says it isn’t) for the week ahead.

Wasn’t the worst week I’ve ever had, but had better.  I’ll start with today. Last night had horrible lucid nightmares. Nearly 3 years on from accident and don’t know how I’m ever going to let it go. Believe me, I’ve tried. Having to check myself a lot again lately, stand back from my thoughts before panic sets in. “They are thoughts you are having, they’re not reality, they will pass” or something.

Didn’t have a lot of baking to distract me yesterday. Only 2 orders. And that got me down a bit. I know this week could be different, word may spread, pay day will come for many (and I couldn’t actually walk last Sunday after a full day of it last Saturday) but its good for the soul & distraction and I loved feeling a wee bit of stress at the deadlines I’d set myself last weekend. Kept me occupied, out of trouble, the devil makes work for light hands. Okay, it stopped me gazing at Twitter for hours. I seriously enjoy baking. Its made with love in my heart and pound signs in my eyes.

I woke up this morning with a pounding head, throbbing wrist, knees & ankles. Pretty standard. Home alone, huddled over my phone and barely look up for hours. Which is not healthy is it. Not enough hours in the day and I’m talking about chicken stock cubes online. And now I can’t find the words I need. Procrastinating? Overwhelmed? Typing a load of guff so I don’t have to face anything/everything?

I try to walk Bailey but he’s having none of it. Fine, I’ll go and get him dog food. Get back to car park and would you look at that. Front tyre is flat. Again. Every 3 to 4 months like clockwork. If I could afford a security camera etc (see attached – bit pricey aren’t they?) you’d better start wearing a balaclava Mr O.

I start putting shopping in & the car boot (door? what do you call it?) falls down & smashes me on the head. In the exact same spot my skull fractured. Thought I was going to cry in Sainsburys car park. I yelped. That bit of head has never felt like it belonged to me ever since accident & if I touch it right now I feel physically sick. How’s my luck?! Don’t answer that, I know! Get home & Bailey has eaten two creme eggs. *weeps* With wrappers. Shiny poo this week then.

What else happened this week….something was making me unhappy & a bit unloved, thought I’d be happier by stopping it but now feel worse not better. I need a life coach. Not those two off This Morning. Gawd no. Or not even a life coach, someone to make decisions for me. That’s a life coach isn’t it. Crap (zero) pay, 24/7 working hours, lots of “don’t you tell me what to do, you’re wrong!”s, no holiday pay but free parking & cake. Anyone?!

Ah well, Sophie will be home soon & I’m off to eat a tub of strawberry ice-cream. Self-care. Here’s to a good week of love, fun & lottery wins for all of us, whether it starts today or tomorrow.  x

And here’s a pic of Bailey’s “I done bad, I know” face.

 

PS. I’m an Amazon Affiliate, please use my links for purchases, doesn’t have to be for the exact item I advertise. Thank you x

//ws-eu.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=GB&source=ss&ref=as_ss_li_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=jsterling-21&language=en_GB&marketplace=amazon&region=GB&placement=B00TDNYNN0&asins=B00TDNYNN0&linkId=c25038c8ddd641a7f762944524a70d3b&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true

 

What is it exactly that you’re trying to do?

I don’t know! Its all a bit mish-mash. Started the blog initially because so many people wanted to know how I was coping after the accident. Could give everyone the same details, all in one place without the need for continuous repetition. Serious brain fatigue. Plus I’d forget who I’d told & what and oh my the repetition. I am so sorry my friends for the constant repetition. I truly appreciate those who have stuck around through & during my many meltdowns & breakdowns. And for having patience when for the 10th time I will stop mid-sentence with ‘I can’t remember, hang on, what was I talking about?’  You warm my heart.

THEN I thought I’d make this blog a place of easy recipes for everyone & especially people with limited mobility. I don’t have any qualifications in food. They’re not supposed to be difficult dishes. Every recipe is made with my left hand (of course I was right handed) and a good dollop of slapdash.  Measurements? Meh! I forget what they are as soon as I remove item from scales. Bung it in!

AND THEN I thought about bringing the diva into it. I’ve been keeping a record of her little adventures. Maybe soon.

AND THEN I thought, I could use this blog to find the five (that I know of) siblings. Who know nothing of my existence. Maybe soon for that one as well.  Needs a lot more thought.

AND THEN I thought, shall I tell you about my idea for a Saturday morning homemade fresh warm rolls delivery service? First two orders received today with a guaranteed full refund if they’re not satisfied. Because now I’m pooping it a bit.

SHIT! I forgot Sophie is at running club, need to collect, back soon! x

Don’t dough as I do, dough as I tell you #CRPS

I know, cringe. But as you asked (someone might) this is how it went down.

The CRPS in right wrist/arm is causing it to be three times its usual size today, bloody painful & swollen, the HMS/Fibro is ensuring knees & ankles to throb away, but have managed to make this loaf using left hand whilst sat on my behind & its been a bit of a mood enhancer. It really is the little things sometimes. Whatever gets us through. Sure you know how to bake bread but if you don’t and want/need a bit of self-care, maybe a bit hindered by your health/limbs, pull up a chair & I’ll tell you how to dough this.
Sorry. Not sorry.

1 mixing bowl

340ml warm water
1 sachetdried yeast (7g from a pot – about a teaspoon) –
10g salt (about a level tablespoon)
500g Strong flour (one third of the bag)

Mix the yeast in the water, bung in the salt & flour, mix it around with a spoon or your hand(s) until it soaks up the water. Takes about 30 seconds. If that.
Cover it with clingfilm and a tea towel, find a warm place.

NOW 

you can go about your day and come back and bake it later if you like so pop it in the fridge.

OR

Give it a 5/10 minute knead.  However much kneading time you want/can manage. This bread is going to taste like the best you’ve ever had in your life anyway.  By holding dough secure with right hand, can knead with my left.

Leave it for about an hour. Carefully knock the air out and re-cover.  Leave it for another 45mins-1hr.
Heat the oven to 240 degrees, let it heat for 20 mins.

Either put the dough into a bread tin or onto an oven tray that’s been coated finely in olive oil.

Turn oven down to 200 degrees. Cook for 40-45 mins. Done. That easy. And that delicious. And cheap (£1 bag of flour makes 3 loaves).

Mine is a bit lopsided, will try and remember to turn it around halfway through bake next time.  When you eat the warm topper with butter sure you’ll be thanking me. Hopefully!

And the best bit (for me), managed to distract myself from making meringues by getting busy typing this out! Yes! No sugar high tonight!  But this bread is enough of a treat (and heartburn if you do my warm topper method) on its own without meringues and if it spurs just one person on to treat themselves today then I’ll be happy with that. Let me know if its you. Spread the smiles.

 

Want a tasty one-handed no fuss healthy-ish meal?

I say one handed as I can only use left at the moment (CPRS in right). In two years since accident its never felt right (har), Still feels & behaves like a left, no ambidextrous stuff going on here. Yet. But anyway, here’s something I threw in the slow cooker last week.  No chopping required.  BUY A SLOW COOKER!  This is sort of beef casserole – basic but delicious. And I didn’t have to set a timer for every single step of the way as I do usually (Brain injury – forget everything instantly), always a bonus.  Set it on low for 5 hours & was divine but you could leave it longer if at work all day.

Ingredients: (not great with measurements because I just chuck everything in.  Its easier. But this feeds 2)

300g Casserole/stewing beef or brisket

2 tablespoons of oil

Plain flour, salt & pepper

Pre-chopped carrots

Frozen chopped onion (1 small)

Frozen chopped garlic (teaspoon full, or more depending on your next day activities and proximity to other people)

Fresh Rosemary from garden (bought it for £1.50 from the garden centre when we went strawberry picking – doubled its size & lost count of times I’ve picked it now, worth every penny)

300ml Beef stock (Oxo pot ones on offer for £1 at Sainsburys)

1 tin of chopped tomatoes

Method

Add salt & pepper to flour and coat the meat.

Then brown it off a bit in a frying pan. Remove & place in slow cooker.

Turn heat down, add onions & garlic to pan for a minute, add the carrots, stock & rosemary,, chuck it all in and let it boil for a couple of minutes. Add to the slow cooker, put the lid on & smell it later.

Did mine with cheesy mash potato (with pepper, tiny bit of butter & dash of milk) & added peas.  Was a bit special.

And that’s it. easy dinner for those of us not fully functioning. You’re welcome 🙂 x

//ws-eu.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=GB&source=ss&ref=as_ss_li_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=jsterling-21&language=en_GB&marketplace=amazon&region=GB&placement=B0742L1G5F&asins=B0742L1G5F&linkId=b6d1cf27518b130b91e579256fdb83ad&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true

Its time to…..

Hang on, what am I trying to say? Its time to admit defeat? Its time to face up to the fact that since my brain had a little (large) bleed & my skull (and eye socket & cheekbone) were fractured, its never going to work to full capacity again? Yes, that’s it, pretty much.

I often tweet about being lost in woods. Ohhh lesson learned, I say, won’t do that again. But I do. I do the same things over & over. But I love it there. Its my self-care place of sanctuary.  Often deserted, plenty of room to sing & dance along to tunes. Only realised last week that the reason I love singalong a dog walks is because I don’t go pubbing/clubbing anymore and was used to singing & dancing every week for donkeys years. At my happiest when the beat drops.

Went to the woods on Monday at 3pm with 30% phone battery. Already two things I shouldn’t do in winter months.  I’ve just googled the woods and they’re  220 acres. (grid reference ST685746 ok?). Thats a lot. When I got to car park it was overflowing, cars everywhere. So I drove up and around the outside probably half a mile, found another place to park on the other side of the road. So not my normal entrance to woods.

Friend rang as I got there, spoke for a good 15 minutes before realising I’d been looking at the ground, following wherever dog takes me.  I didn’t know where I was.  I’m lost again! I said.  Oh & its going to get dark soon, he said.  Yeah thanks! I need to get off the phone now,  preserve battery and concentrate. No sense of direction whatsoever.

Don’t panic, I told myself.  Again.  Text from teen: Can I go to Costa with Caitlin? Yes, but I’m lost in woods and if I’m not home by 6pm, look for me.  “Okay, cool!” she replied.  COOL? FUCKING COOL?!! I mean I didn’t want to worry her but a little concern wouldn’t hurt.

Now these woods aren’t dense trees for miles.  Some of it is separated into squares & rectangular lots of trees,  with paths running around them.  So after about half an hour of wandering aimlessly (in a circle I think), I’m still trying not to panic but my brain has shut down.  As in, its empty. Nothing going on but the rent. And the more I try not to panic, the worse it gets. I have no idea which direction to walk in.  I’m sweating buckets now. Not helped by wearing a jumper, hoodie, big parka coat & scarf and everything is hurting thanks to Fibromyalgia and slipped neck discs.

Then right in the distance I see 2 people & 3 dogs! I’M SAVED! I thought.  Wrong.
I start waving and they wave back and turn a corner.  NO! WAIT! I start shouting.  HELP ME! I’M LOST!  HELLOOOOOO I’M LOST!  All my hellos coming out in a Michael McIntyre voice. HELLOOOO HELP ME PLEASE! I’M LOST! No idea why. So now I’m trying to run to catch up, they finally stop & I say can you help me please, I need to get out, find my car.  One woman looked the other way and the other one grunted at me ‘wheres your car?’   ‘Its…its….omg my head is empty I can’t remember!’  She stares at me like the total moron I am.  Didn’t even have my “I’m a brain injury survivor please be patient with me” card on me. Wait! Its Webbs Heath! I say.  ‘Oh follow us, I got lost here for 3 hours once’ she grunts.  Like my 30 minutes or so will never compare and she’s the lost queen. So I’m walking a good polite 20 feet behind them for about a minute & then she says: ‘you need to go that way, follow that woman, you’ll come to a gate, cross into a field’.   What woman? I can’t see a woman?! And with that they were gone & I’m faced with a choice of 3 different directions.  SHIT.

I thought about ringing 101 but not really high priority is it. Can’t imagine cops in wellies looking for me with their spotlights would be best pleased.

Still trying not to cry I think right, where can you hear traffic, head for the traffic, just find a road.  Only problem was I need to cross a wide, deep stream and I’m already mud up to my shins.  So dog bounces over, no problem. I look at my options. there are two fallen trees & an upright one next to it. I’ll have to climb across. So I stand on the first log & the one I’m leaning on is rotten and starts rocking back and forwards. I CANNOT FALL. I have CPRS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome) in right wrist after I fractured it in original fall.  Its already constant agony.  I take off my scarf & throw it and my bag across the other side (into a muddy puddle) and then got on all fours and clambered across like a monkey.  State of me!

So now I can hear the road, I’m close but can’t get out onto it. Until finally, there’s a gap I can squeeze through. But there’s no path. This is a narrow  country road used as a rat run at this time of day. Tiny verge about 6 inches off the ground, covered in mud, sticks & stones. Which my dog refused to walk on.  There was a van hurtling towards us and I pulled him clear with all my might with seconds to spare. Horrifying.

I have no idea which direction to walk in. Due to brain closing down nothing looks remotely familiar. I see a large house with security gates. So I ring the bell hopeful they’ll at least be able to tell me which direction to walk in. They didn’t answer. Oh for gawd’s sake you’e got Google maps on your phone you idiot! (tried in woods many times, doesn’t pick up my location) but on a road now.  Yes! Its this way! Hang on, whys it saying 55 minutes? Have I been walking in the wrong direction the entire time?!  So I start walking.  About 10 minutes later I realise I put in my postcode and not where my car is!! Absolutely hating my shitty brain at this point.  Can’t remember name of road where car is. So I put in the name of pub that’s a bit further. Its the opposite direction. 13% battery and I need to walk that way!! Happy days! Except the next bit of road is zig-zaggy with no verge.  I attempt to run but dog is knackered, I can barely walk let alone run and its more a sweaty little jog. Not one car passed.  An absolute bloody miracle. Because I really didn’t fancy our chances at that point.

Finally! I KNOW THIS BIT! WE’RE SAVED! And it only took an hour of panic.

I can’t keep putting myself through this. The fear is horrific.  The time has come to acknowledge limitations. Won’t be going to woods again unless someone is with me. But from the minute I started typing this the urge to go there is overwhelming. I can’t.

Putting compass on my xmas list and walking to a local field today. Better safe than sorry.

Don’t let me forget I wrote this. Thank you!

Dear Neighbours

Popped out the front yesterday afternoon to shove some recycling in the bags. Noticed there were maybe 6 or 7 motorcyclists chatting to you on your doorstep. As I turned around to come back in I noticed you were all staring at me. So I mumbled under my breath can I help you? And walked inside.  So strange. Look out window & you’re all still staring at my front door.  I look down, yes I’m fully clothed so its  not that.

Why are you all staring at me? Bit unnerving. And then….and then I remember something.

3 or 4 weeks ago now there was a motorcyclist outside my house revving his engine.  On the end of my drive. Continuously.  Now I’ve always got a slight headache due to brain injury but this day it was severe. Pain so bad I couldn’t think.  So I went outside & said to the motorcyclist “what are you doing?”  Quietly.  Because my head hurt so bad.
He gave me side eyes & said “waiting for a friend”.  “Could you please turn your engine off?” I said.  “What? NO!” he says & with that your little pink car goes past & off he follows.

I get back inside and think hang on what? What did I just do? Can’t believe I went out & asked a motorcyclist to turn off his engine like the resident loon.  Which I am obviously. Didn’t even realise what I’d done until I got back inside.  Some weird auto-pilot crap brain thing.

So yesterday afternoon, maybe 15 minutes after I’ve come back inside it starts.  They ALL revved  & revved & gawd knows what else you do with a bike to make such an insane noise. Was absolutely deafening. Gawd knows how long it went on for.  Too long. You both stood on the doorstep looking directly at my house laughing your heads off.  I sat huddled in the corner of the sofa trying not to cry.

My initial conversation with the cyclist on my drive was polite & in no way really warranted you trying to get your own back or whatever it was you were doing. Did you achieve your aim? Did you get satisfaction from annoying your neighbour? You didn’t annoy me. You made me sad.  Sad that people like you get pleasure from upsetting others.  You mocked the afflicted. Only you probably don’t realise I’m afflicted because you never bothered to find out.

Love they neighbour? Not today thanks.