You popped in my head last week. Hadn’t seen my Whingemate™ on TL for a while, I’ll drop him a tweet, see if he’s okay. We did like a good chat/moan about our ailments and pain, about the guilt we felt burdening our loved ones (and everyone else). We agreed we’d always have an ear for each other’s chronic pain offloading, give the others a break. You always had a kind word and patient ear for everyone. One of the good ones. Always a gentleman.
I say ‘I forgot’ many many times a day due to brain injury. But sometimes I say it and the ramifications make me feel sick to my stomach. I forgot Spencer. I forgot to tweet you, to check in on you. I’m so so sorry I forgot.
You were one of the first people I followed 10 years ago. You know how you can feel warmth of a person through a screen without even realising it? You’re drawn to them. I think I came across you via Kelly (@BigFashionista) and your blogs. All those years ago. They were good blogs too.
Recently you asked if I’d write a blog about my darkest moments. That are now hopefully behind me. And I said no, Sophie reads them, she’s in middle of GSCEs, its not the right time. Oh how I wished I’d written it now, for you if nobody else. Would it have made any difference if you’d read it? To know the living hell/torture in your head wouldn’t always be like this – it can and will change & I’m proof? Probably not. But I wish I’d known exactly how bad your inner turmoil was. Brave face wasn’t it. Brave face & help/enquire after others instead.
My heart goes out to Katy and your children. Cannot begin to imagine their pain and devastation.
I’ll miss you Whingemate. Gone but not forgotten. Rest in Peace Spencer x
“Oh I forgot I took them off!” I said and we both doubled over laughing. Real belly laughs at my stupidity and the situation again. [American readers I mean knickers]
When we’d got home from the woods earlier I’d changed out of jeans and put jogging bottoms on. Sunday innit. Then after a pretty mediocre roast and two tramadol I decided I had a second wind and could walk through the pain, back up the hills to find lost dog lead. If I left it until tomorrow would be anxious about it.
Its usually quite a deserted place, even if small car park is full. Its that big I only ever usually see one or two other dogs, sometimes none. I wasn’t too bothered what I was dressed in/looked like, is what I’m trying to say.
Until we got out the car that is. We start walking and I remember these joggers have a hole somewhere on the bum. So I say to Sophie, have a look, see if you can see it.
“Yes”, she says, “Ughhh! I can see the crack of your bum!”
“OMG!” I said. “I’ll pull my pants up!” Delved into the back of my trousers and felt around and “Where are my pants? Where have my pants gone? WHERE ARE MY PANTS?!” Genuinely panicked for a few seconds thinking ‘how did someone nick them when I’m wearing them?!’ and then “oh yeah! Forgot I took them off!”
“OMG You are such an idiot!” she says and starts to mimic me “where have my pants gone?! Where are my pants?!”
Cue us both doubling up laughing.
Hoodie tied around the waist, off we go again. We only pass one man with three greyhounds who wanted some loving. The greyhounds, not the man, luckily.
We’d gone back to the woods for a second time today as I’d left the dog lead in his special scared stick place. 200,000 hectares of woods but he’ll only pick up sticks from here. Its a beautiful part of the woods with a couple of logs to sit on. Put lead down while taking a photo of Sophie. Forgot to pick it back up. A common occurrence be it lead, gloves or sunglasses.
Found it. Happy days!
Wrote this yesterday but forgot to press publish…..
Will do another one later – tonight’s one-handed meal. Don’t know why I’m bothering really, website money went on the car MOT defects so I can’t monetise this blog yet. But its therapeutic and as I forget everything its nice to keep a journal.
Because I’ve given up a little bit on The Secret. Keep forgetting to ask the universe for what I want. The only thing I really want is a secure roof over my head, a forever home. ‘Put up a noticeboard and fill it with everything you desire!’ They say. Might put a picture of a nice house by the sea on my fridge. Next to the “I love you mum” fridge magnet. To remind me that my happiness is already right here.
I have been trying to be cheerful (when I remember!), finding joy in the little things. Like that dog walker stumbling over her words yesterday when I said your dog is beautiful! “So be you!” she replied. Poor woman. But thanks for the smiles!
What it is doing is making me realise how far I’ve come from the severe depression days not so long ago. What I would’ve given to be able to change my mindset, to escape the crippling anxiety. 2 and a half years of it. If you’re still following me on Twitter throughout that then I salute and thank you. The problems are still there (some are actually worse) but as soon as the thoughts bubble up I say stop. You don’t need to feel like this. YOU are in control. Which is good but not so good that I’m blocking it instead of getting on with it.
But when you break it down, isn’t it incredible that our happiness or unhappiness can depend on numbers on a computer screen? Why can’t hackers ever put money into our bank accounts? Selfish.
Yes this is rambling all over the shop but I’ve got 9 minutes left before washing this hair dye off!
So this week’s reasons to be cheerful: Its sunny & I’m off to the woods with Sophie & dog again in a minute. Depending on hair colour!
Enjoy whats left of the weekend. Remember: smile & the whole word smiles with you. Fart in public and you’re on your own. x
So far today I’ve made a cake, washed some dishes and did a 10 min dog walk (taking it easy with him after his sit down in the woods yesterday). And doing those few, simple tasks my right arm is already twice the size of left (#CRPS). Its hard to stay upbeat when pained. But I have 20 mins before teen gets home from school then drive to the mall to meet our wonderful aunt, here on a one week stop from Ireland. Reasons to be cheerful! Smiling again already.
Lets see how much I can get written down.
How are we getting on with the staying happy, positive mental attitude? Its not as easy as it sounds, is it. Especially if you’ve got really crap problems going on in the background. I wake up in the morning, remember the crap and then have to remind myself to sit on it, put it to the back of your mind, stay positive, happy thoughts. Sometimes I don’t remember to remind myself until halfway through the day. But I’ll get there, practice makes perfect, right?!
The thing I am getting good at is not letting one single thing ruin the rest of the day. When I opened the fridge and a dish of tuna came flying out at me and smashed all over the floor I didn’t think “oh, its going to be one of those days is it” like I usually would. I cleared it up whilst thinking this is minor, its a nothing, forget about it, move on.
I’ve had a few days of proper anxiety in the last week. Suffered anxiety all my life so its not unexpected. You know the ones, where your stomach is in knots & you feel shaky, impending doom feeling. During one such episode I picked up phone & saw a tweet from someone saying ‘Did you know that as you get older your lady bits go bald’ and oh my god how’s that for distraction?! Hilarious. I did not know this. Wonder what else don’t I know?!
But the days I am managing to convince myself that I’m happy, that everything is fine, you know what? They are.
I have to go now. Ran out of time. Going for quantity not quality today so I’ll blog again later. Be happy! x
What is it now, just over a week since I decided to give The Secret my full attention? Glorious weather so I’ve managed to feel happy & positive most days. The aim being that good things will happen. As long as I think positive.
On the Wednesday afternoon last week I did a dog walk with a friend and our children. We stopped at a pub, sat in the garden. And about 20 minutes later a man comes out and says “Is there a *JC* here?” Well I can’t lie, my instant thought was WTF?! How would anyone know I’m here?! I rarely come here. Felt a tiny bit shaky. I said “Yes, that’s me!” and he holds my debit card in the air. “You dropped this!”. Course I did. When I went in the pub there were 3 dogs on the floor who needed stroking. Must’ve dropped out then. But what good luck! What a nice man. Happy happy.
Last Thursday I blogged about not being able to get to the doc and 10 minutes later my mate had read it and offered me a lift. Result. Not sure if I can relate that one to The Secret but if I hadn’t been writing about the The Secret he wouldn’t have known and I wouldn’t have had a lift….grasping here, leave it! Happy.
Friday wasn’t brilliant. I walked 8 miles. A friend in need is a friend indeed. But that “oh you’ll sleep well tonight!” thought cheered me along. And it was a beautiful day & I was loving a deserted singalongacycletrack. I was exhausted but happy I’d helped.
Lapsed a bit over the weekend but if you’ve met my mother & step-dad you’ll know the willpower required to stay calm, let alone 100% happy positive thoughts. But I tried! And God loves a trier. It started off a bit wrong (5 of us in a mini cooper with 4 seatbelts? uh, no) but cheered right up when I spent a few hours with my soon to be one year old nephew. Hard to not feel happy and smiley (broody – too late) around babies, love em.
Now this is going to sound bizarre but I can’t remember much of Monday. I remember really random old stuff from my childhood but not so good at keeping the new stuff in. I don’t retain or process some new information. And its as random as you like. Brain does not give one shit if its important or not.
But my shenanigans of last week caught up with me today. I made hay while the sun shines but that also means flare ups. So rest & recuperation is underway. I suppose not surprisingly it is hard to convince yourself to be happy when in pain. And it is actually quite hard to convince yourself as soon as you wake up that today is going to be a good day. I’m not a morning person. And I forgot to be happy today. Got to about midday before I realised. Tried to remedy it, but thoughts were sparse. But I’m fine, sort of in fine-ish spirits. The good thing: I found out car will be fixed by Friday so bakery delivery can finally re-commence! Hopefully. Half-happy!
Here’s the good thing that happened today. I took dog out earlier & my new next door neighbour who’s probably been there about 5 months but I’ve never met is standing there with a lawn mower. I said “hi” and the very first thing he said was “I can cut yours if you like”
“Oh could you? Oh no I can’t ask you to, its wrong”
“No, its fine!” he said. “I’ll do it”
“Ok,well I’ve got a strimmer I’ll do both our edges tomorrow”
“No need” he says. “I’ll do it all”
I was walking up the road on cloud 9. The second I meet the bloke he offers to mow my lawn! Amazing. Now that is the sort of thing that’s rings my happy bell! Hate trying to use strimmer with my left hand, takes forever and currently have tennis elbow in the left (I’ve got it in right too) and now I don’t need to. HAPPY!
Conclusion: I think The Secret is working for me! As long as I keep telling myself that positive attracts positive. And the reason its working is because my expectations are so low but who cares about that. Its all relative!
Still waiting on the lottery win though.
Well for starters that’s not me in the photo above. But they look happy don’t they? Another secret is 95% of the time I love being on my own. I love my own company, my dog walks, my meals whenever I want, my bed time & rise time whenever I want, shaving my legs whenever I want, etc. etc. Could go on, you get the gist.
Those missing 5% are quite important sometimes though. They’re taking the bins out, taking car for MOT (oh here she comes, its gonna cost ya), accompanying you to hospital when you have an op. Picking you up after the op and caring for you. The feeling of being wrapped in arms, facing the world together. Be nice to have that missing 5% sometimes. To have someone to share & do life with and to help each other with the bits you find a bit harder. I’ll tell you why:
My car headlights have been delivered and I’m currently struggling to get them to the mechanic who is a friend doing it for me cheaper than the garage. Four friends I’ve asked are busy. And I hate asking. When they say no it makes me feel even worse that I’ve troubled them. Would be 3 buses or a 10 mile round trip walk. But due to neck & wrist disabilities I couldn’t carry it onto bus even if I wanted to. Huge box. [I don’t want my blogs to all revolve around my disabilities and going to attempt not to in my next blog. If I remember(!) but bit difficult not to.] I could stick it in a taxi with money I can ill-afford and walk back but ankles are already throbbing before I start. Disabilities eh?! Ah well, never mind.
Update: mechanic will collect them tomorrow morning. Now my dilemma is I didn’t realise it was Good Friday tomorrow and need to collect prescription from doc by 7pm today. So my choices are: 7/8 mile round walk in pain or go without meds on Sunday and Monday and have 2 sleepless nights. Choices, choices. Majorly eye-rolling at myself here. Thought I’d been really productive and on top of things this week. Its now 16:16 and I’m going with option 2. Avoid me on Monday and Tuesday next week. Sleep deprivation is not my friend.
But back to The Secret! I watched it on Netflix the other night. Started off spitting my tea out laughing but by about half way through I thought: ‘yes! That’s happened to me!’ This could work. Everyone who’s watched it has told me its a pile of poo. But I’m right up for it. I’m right up for trying to be happy & positive all day long, to create my own reality, to ask the universe for what I want and the universe to give it to me. Well let me tell you, its Day 3 (I think?), and two days in a row now a small amount of money has landed in my lap. And I’m going to give this my best shot. Try and be positive & sunny 24/7, find happiness in any small thing, attract positive energy. Trust me, when you hit the bottom & have nothing its amazing how many small things can make you happy & thankful. Like Applewood cheese, grapes & crackers. My lunch. But I also know how hard it is not to get frustrated or irate (with others!). Definitely a work in progress.
I’m managing to stay upbeat and happy but it has required some concentration (which is in short supply these days thanks brain injury!). Looking at Twitter is definitely not conducive. But the meds are helping(!) and nothing ventured, nothing gained. I shall report back! Hopefully with a winning lottery ticket but I’ll take a grain of anything.
Wishing you all a heap of happiness
And remember: if you don’t ask you don’t get. x